这是我来到香港的第八天。我住在深水埗,香港人均收入最低的地方。这里的建筑大多有8层以上,墙皮覆盖着风化的破旧痕迹,而道路又很窄,一条街被两排报刊亭一样的售货点分割成了三条通路,每条通路大概只能同时容两三人并排前进。这里的人总是很多,但是年轻面孔却极少,你能看到各种肤色的人,还可能看到缠着头巾的女人,他们可能是游客,但更多是住在此地的人。地面铺着砖,但藏污纳垢,也总是能看到一些垃圾散落在地上。此地是长沙湾道的南侧,若跨过长沙湾道来到北侧,环境面貌则会更好一些,因为这里的售货点更少,人也更少,街道看起来更宽敞,但依旧说不上干净。我的窗户面向一条支路,正对着一家通讯店,那里有一位小哥,从早到晚地用大音响播放着音乐或电视剧,招揽着游客,也引来旁边吸烟点的烟民驻足观看。我住在这里,房租水电网一个月大概需要6600港币。我之所以选择这里,是因为我不愿合租,而且靠近地铁公交以及有电梯是我的刚需。我尽可能地避免出门,因为我穿着拖鞋出去,哪怕脚沾上一块地砖,我也会在回来后费力清洗我的脚和鞋。
我的房间不足十平米,形状上就是一个长方形,从门进去,最深处就是窗户以及我的床。门口是一个灶台,仅能摆放一张电磁炉和一个洗水池。厕所是整装卫浴的样式,占地面积应该不到1.5平。门口与床之间夹着一块区域,紧凑地摆放了一个竖柜,一张桌子,一个微波炉,一台烘干机,一把椅子,一个架子,架子下放着洗衣机,架子上放着冰箱。我一个人在此居住,仍然有点挤。若是来两个人,那么一人在房间内通过时,另一人就必须站起并侧着身子,谨慎地移动。房间的空间似乎总是不够,我也想了些办法,比如桌子与床之间的夹缝摆放着烘干机,在桌子上再架起一个架子,把衣服和毛巾都挂在墙上,又或者把行李箱放在冰箱的上面。它勉强变得有些能住。
香港的食物很贵,尽管在深水埗,一餐饭依然可能会花掉40港币以上。肉与菜也很贵,我买到过80元一斤的猪肉,经朋友指点后我前往钱大妈买肉,会更便宜。但我依旧只舍得买免治猪肉,因为最便宜,买三送一,而且不需要再处理,我的住处没有切菜的空间,尽管如此,40-50元一斤的价格依然很高,我一餐只能食用100克,大概会花到10元左右。我以每餐10元的限额为标准,在超市选购时,会认真比价,尽管此地单位标准不一,有时是磅,有时是港斤,有时是公制,但我都会仔细换算,如果100克肉的价格超过15元,我便会放弃购买。我尽可能地避免在外吃饭,为此我买了很多面条,拉面,乌冬面,意大利面,通心粉,方便面。因为烹饪它们只需要一口锅和一盆水。这一周以来我都在吃面条。这些面中我最喜欢拉面,因为他会附带汤料包,这使我的烹饪变得便捷。从烧水到开饭,中间只需要大概十分钟。今天我的朋友来到香港游玩,也顺便来到我家帮我做了一顿晚饭。依然是面条。为了弥补肉菜的不足,我购入了很多低价罐头冻在冰箱里,今天我们便开了一罐咸牛肉罐头。
我上了一周的课,被锁在屋里两次,遇到停电两次。锁在屋里是因为住处大门有两道门,内侧一道的门的门把手脱落了,无法从内部打开门。停电则是由于连夜的黑色暴雨。好在停电都没有持续太久,我的冰箱储粮并没有报废。由于天气等各种原因,我在香港这一周也没什么机会出门,更多的时间是闷在房间里抽烟、喝酒。说到酒,我难得地发现在香港能买到价格适宜的口粮酒,那就是罗拔二世白朗姆,700ml卖85港币。我买回家,冻在冰箱里,一比一混着柠檬茶喝,非常好喝。我对酒精产生了些依赖,第一天来香港的晚上我睡了11小时,但最近几天,晚上没有喝酒就会四点才睡觉。
我最近感到很孤独、很痛苦。值得痛苦的事情有很多,氛围、物价、课业压力等,都能成为理由,但我却不能说就是这些因素导致的。如果要类比,我觉得很像我高三那时刚去衡水的状态。我刚去的第一周就哭着给妈妈打电话说,我想回去,我想回湖北,但我最后还是坚持下来了。但现在和那时比,还是有很多不一样的地方。我觉得那时的我是有极强的生命力的,但我现在却感受不到那种热情。朋友说,开启新生活应该是令人欣喜的。我说,新生活也有好有坏。我感觉现在像在坐牢,这样的新生活并不能算好。
是物质因素导致的么?我想并不是。我并非完全无法承受这般物价,我的父母也会告诉我穷家富路,不必过分在乎日常花销,大不了时不时去深圳一趟。只是,我感觉没有什么值得期待的东西,感觉自由被剥夺了大半。之前,我仍然能期盼着日常生活里的小惊喜。也许是和朋友约着出门,也许是等一个offer,也许是一时兴起吃点好的。但在这里,没有什么供我喜好的东西,吃点好的或出门逛街的花销也远远超过我的承受能力。日子没有盼头。也许确实可以偶尔去深圳,但我已经受锤到没有了能量。这是一个负循环,让我慢慢失去追求快乐的能量,现在甚至没有力气打开游戏。
这些似乎依然是可以克服的东西。然而我的痛苦如此明确,是因为我很清楚自己为何在此,我知道自己的目标是什么,我也很清楚地知道自己在为这这份目标而付出,或者准确地说,在受苦。也正因此,受苦得如此清晰,更加痛苦。我原本是明确知道,自己的目标很清晰,自己也因为付出的努力而一步一步地靠近着这个目标。但如今陷入了这痛苦的循环,我竟模糊不清,不知道自己的这份决心,是真心如此,还是为了自我保护而迫使自己去相信。
我依旧在为这目标努力着。或许我正在跟本不存在的暴风雨搏斗吧。我确实是,只能使自己这样想着,只能使自己被置于这样的奋斗叙事中。我听水手,听林子祥,听励志歌曲。我想象自己就是那个有梦想的人,不怕风雨中这点痛。但是,我没办法擦干泪。因为我甚至没有力气去流泪了。更多的时候,我是一个人躺着,发呆,吸烟,或者和我的娃娃对视。我并没有感觉到压力,也没有感觉到喘不上气,但我的情绪依然流动,让我偶尔抓乱头发、惊声尖叫。我并不是脆弱,我很坚强,但正是坚强着受击,让皮肤变得麻木。这并不比躺平接受生活的强奸要好到哪里去。
当情绪也变得明码标价————一根香烟3元,一趟去海边的地铁7元,一碗云吞面30元,一个烟灰缸78元,一瓶百加得182元,排解情绪也变得令人难堪。对啊,与其说是受锤,不如说是被挤压。也许我真的在坐牢也说不定。我没有崩溃,但也没法回复。一种不属于彭致远的忧愁感爬上了我。我像在一片迷雾丛林中乱撞,和不知道何时出现、甚至不知道是否存在的敌人搏斗,也不知道自己该从哪里逃出去。
我一直有一种强烈的预感,我一定会幸福,会达到自己的目标,会活出一个谁都羡慕的人生。越发这么想,越发觉得如今的低谷难以忍受。我之前也写过迷茫的文字,但这次却再难像以往那样,以积极的心态结文了。我只能用我自己也无法辨别真伪的心情祈求着暴风雨来得更猛烈些。在这漫长而明确的折磨中,能陪伴我的只有我自己,祝福我搏得漂亮吧。
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